His Lovers Suicide

Before you read on, be aware that there is vulgar language that is presented. Please read at your own risk.



Sweat dripped from her forehead. Her wrists were bound tightly behind
her head. The black mass of her hair lay frazzled about. Her breathing
was labored as she pushed her hips up roughly into his, savoring the
depth it reached him to. She could feel his lips on her neck, his hands
burning their prints into her breast as they played with the soft lumps
of flesh. A quiet whimper followed a satisfied groan as he withdrew
himself from her.



Opening her eyes, She watched as he dragged his naked form
across the room. The digital clock on their dresser read two in the
afternoon. He was due to classes in an hour. “I’m not done.” It
all came out as an unsatisfied whimper; her hazel eyes searching his
dark brown orbs. When he didn’t reply, She wiggled her hips to get
his attention. “I’m not finished.” She muttered when he looked back at
her, now fully dressed.



His gaze was icy and sent shivers down her spine. “You can finish
yourself off, I need to get ready.” Biting down on her bottom lip, She weighted her options.



“Could you at least remove the handcuffs?” the expression she received
from Him told her that his answer was going to be a no. And it was
just that. Frustrated and still wet from when he left her, She just
rested her head on the pillow that was beneath her. She heard Him leave the room and rummage around a bit. When he crossed back over the
threshold of their bedroom, she could only see the pen and piece of
paper he carried in one hand it wasn’t until she saw him drop the paper
on her slightly curved tummy that she noticed the pistol in his other
hand. “…?” she questioned him nervously.



A sadistic smile found its way to his lips. The look in his eyes told her this wasn’t her sweet man she met back in just her junior
year of high school anymore. This was a monster. Placing the pistol
firmly to her temple, he commanded she take the pen and paper. “My
darling, you are about to write your suicide note.” It didn’t
even sound like his voice. As he told her what to write, she quickly
scribbled on the paper messily. She added in her own blessings and
words; apologizing to everyone she loved dearly.



'My loving family,' she wrote, her script fuzzy and hard to read.



'I fear that I must write you as to why I have done this horrible deed
to myself. It has been my lack of love and inspiration for life that
has driven me to the point of insanity. Every day I went on like this,
praying that it would somehow take a different route; maybe become
clearer in my mind as to why I am wanted on this earth. But alas, I
could not find that reason.'



On she wrote, adding the tiniest of detail he didn’t tell her
to write. It seemed like forever as he told her to add this or make
sure she wrote that. Tears threatened to spill over and down her cheeks
as she kept on writing. She knew what topic she needed to become known
next.



'He does not know I have planned to rid myself of this world. He
has been my dearest love and strongest supporter from the day we met.
He knew my past and was not afraid to take that and love me for more
than I am. What none of you know – especially my dear man – is that
I am was pregnant. After weighing my options, as well as the ones that
concerned our child, I cannot fall from the still-rising depression…



Mother, I know he wanted this baby girl inside of me as much as I
wanted her. But I could not keep her whilst getting rid of myself. I
was just barely eight weeks along. She wouldn’t have survived without
me.



To my man, you did not do this to me for I did it to myself. You
did not hand me the gun and tell me to shoot myself in my head…



On her letter went to tell of past memories she missed. Of past lovers
who she had scorned because they had messed with her life. If it
weren’t for him, mother, I may just still be here at this moment. I may
be alive, anticipating the birth of my daughter. Of his daughter.
If he hadn’t thrown me farther into that well, I may have had the
strength to get out and recover. The tears finally began to spill over
as she tried her hardest to contain her vision to finish up the letter he recited to her. The pen was wobbly, but she remained silent as
she listened to her lover’s hate-filled words towards her.



Mother, I am so sorry I took the coward’s way out. It was probably
shameful finding me lying there with my clothes removed and a bullet
shot through my head. To my unborn darling angel, Mommy is sorry that
she had to rid the world of a presence not yet known. You would have
excelled in everything. I give my love to all of you. Let my soul rest
with you at night. Protect you all from harm, especially those who I
cared about most. You are all my shining stars. To all the love that I
received, I give back to you, for all the years we got to cherish and
spend. My family, my friends, my love, I love you all so dearly.



Love..


She bit her lower lip as she signed the letter with her birth given
name. She looked up at him and pleaded with him to come to his
senses. Her muttered pleas fell on deaf ears. What else could she do?
“darling,” he softly began. For a moment, it sounded like his voice.
There may have been hope still. “You are going to wait until I reach my
car.” His voice was back to being cold and flat. It showed off no
emotion. His eyes grew fierce with his continuation of what he wanted
her to do. “When you hear my engine start, you are going to pull that
trigger and shoot yourself.” The sadistic smile flew back onto his
face. “And if I don’t hear that gun shot, I swear to God I will come up
here and kill you myself.”



All the poor girl could really do was sit there and nod at his
response. She watched his footsteps until there were out of the
room. I can’t do this… what about the baby? The question rattled
off in her head. He wanted her. He told me he wanted her. But
still, she looked at the gun. She hesitated before she brought it to
her right temple. I love you my man. And I love you my
angel. It was the last thing she thought.



He bound down the stairs quickly with a smile proudly placed on
his face; smug that his plan was going to be effective and that it fell
right into place. He would get the house; he would get her money; he
would also relieve himself from her. Closing the door, he locked it
like he and her would do every day and he went to his Grand Prix.
“Good morning.” Said The old woman that lived across the street as she stuck her head out of the garden. Her face was covered in wrinkles
that told of past stories. Growing up as a teenage with her first love.
And a marriage that lasted up until her partner passed away just under
a year ago. She and Him had attended the funeral service for him. He gave a friendly smile to the old woman and gave her a pleasant
hello back. “Where is she today, out sick?” She questioned out of
genuine curiosity.



“Yes. She came down with a small bug. She’s been throwing up for the
past few days. She called out of work this morning.” The woman gave him
a kind smile and bit the man adieu. “Have a nice afternoon, Mrs.
Hayes.” Opening the door, he got in and took out his keys. Starting his
ignition, he waited a few brief seconds before he growled out loud and
got back out. He didn’t hear the gun shot. “Shit.” He muttered a little
louder than was necessary so that it seemed he had misplaced something
he needed before classes started. When he looked at Mrs. Hayes, he
chuckled and said, “I forgot my Writing notes” before going back inside.



Closing the deep oak door of their house, he raced up the stairs,
fuming that she had not done what he commanded. Crossing the doorway to
their room, he went over to the bed and pulled her black hair
roughly. “What the fuck?” He screamed at her. “I told you
to shoot yourself when you heard the engine start.”



She was inches to being in hysterics. “I can’t do it.” She told him.
“I just can’t kill myself. I’m past that speed bump in my life. His brown eyes grew black with rage. Letting go of her hair, he
took the gun from her frail fingers and pushed the barrel of the pistol
deep into her temple. “That hurts…” she whimpered to him. That brought
on another fit of rage as he began to pull the trigger. But he stopped.
He had to make her do it. He had to make it look like she committed
suicide. He tossed the gun on the bed between her legs for the time
being.



Through grit teeth, He responded. “I don’t fucking care. You are
to shoot yourself you damn bitch.” Taking a deep breath, he
continued on with his rant. “I can’t believe I dealt with you this
long. I let you take over me, turn me into your slut, and use mw. Why
did I let myself get this deep in feelings for a cunt? You’re a slut. It’s all you’ll ever amount to. All you want is sex. What
happened to love?” Tears poured in rivers down her cheeks as angry
tears threatened to present themselves in his. “Just a goddamn cunt…” he muttered angrily before he retold her to shoot herself.



Still, she tried to hang on tight with the two words she’d been
telling him. “I can’t.” For a long while, she just took the pain,
letting him call her all of the nasty words he told her – calling her
useless, a whore, a cunt, a nuisance to life all around. All the while,
all she kept saying was “I can’t; I’m sorry.” Suddenly, she couldn’t
take it from him anymore. All the things he was saying to her. All the
things he must have meant. Finally, she gave it. With red eyes and
tear-stained cheeks, she used her feet to grab the gun and placed in
on her stomach just above her womb. “Fine… I’m a cunt. I got it.
I’m a whore; I’m useless. I’ll finish myself off like you asked me to.”
With that, he gave a hearty smile once more and handed her the gun.
He left the room once more and walked down the stairs without ever
looking back at his girlfriend. He dug in his pocket and took out a
small box. Opening it, it held a ring. He was going to ask her to marry
him, but that was all in the past now. He shut the door once more and
locked it. He had spent twenty minutes arguing with the bitch and was
going to make him late. He’d be on time if he speed just a bit though.
He put the key back into the ignition. Turned it on slightly so he
could hear the radio and look at the time. Half past two. He
turned his car on fully and only moments later, heard the gun shot.
With a smirk, he got out of his car. Looking behind him, he saw Mrs.
Hayes come out from her garden, a worried look on her face. He
figured this would be the best time to act out the grieving boyfriend
and turned his smirk into a concerned look. Leaving his car on, he
dashed for the door once more.



“!” he screamed. Feeling the old woman right on his tail, he
raced up the stairs to quickly remove the handcuffs from his ex-lover.
Hearing the footfalls of Mrs. Hayes, He screamed her name as
if he had just found her. He began to cry and slumped over his dead
girlfriend, pulling out the ring and placing it neatly on her finger.
Then he just sat there, holding her in his arms as if she were still
alive and comforting her. “please… please don’t be dead.”



He heard the frightened gasp of the woman standing behind him. The
tears that had threatened to fall earlier made their way down his
cheeks. “Oh dear…, I’m so sorry honey.” Letting go of the dead
girl, he walked over to Mrs. Hayes with a bloodstained shirt. He
welcomed the genuine hug and concern. “Why would the poor girl do this
to herself?” All he could do was shrug. When the old woman finally
let go, he grabbed the phone and called for an ambulance. He then
called her mother and then her brother.



It was then that he grabbed the note with her fuzzy script from writing
in the air. His eyes skimmed over the note, looking much like he had
told her to write it. Until he got to one part. “S-she was pregnant…”
he said, sheer genuine breaking through his mask. He had killed his
daughter. At the voicing over the death of his unborn child, the
elderly woman moved over to his side. The tears became real. The
guilt became real. The loss and sadness all became authentic. The mask he had held over his features had dissolved.



He heard the sirens of the ambulance and police arriving. Not soon
after, her family came to comfort the grieving man. They had
learned of his daughter that she had been carrying. He watched the
love he has killed be taken away from him. He felt disconnected from
what was happening now and searched for a time they had been both
happy. It had been hard, but he went all the way back to their high
school prom and graduation. From that time to the first year living
together, they were both happy – content – with each other. They both
were carefree and finally became more comfortable around one another – her more than him. She could say things she never could when
they were still in high school, making love with each other in her bed.
She had come so far… and he took it all away because he was selfish.
With only a few sentences and name-callings. His lover’s suicide…
turned out to be a double homicide no one would find out about. Ever.

Day 4 of my blog.. Sort of losing interest in doing this, since there seems to be a lack of readers but I figured I would keep going for it. Not like I can't go back and reread this months/years later and who knows maybe it'll be fun to reread it or maybe even helpful?

Any who's... Stressful day much!! Gosh, this day was pretty decent until about 11a.m. and then pffttt it went down hill.. Man when a kid hits toddler years, its nothing but struggles day in and day out.. Even on those days when they are being nothing less then an angel its still stressful..

Terrible 2's was not near as bad as this, I'm almost 4 so I am going to throw a tantrum because I want everything and everyone should listen to me stage.. Phhhhst!! 

I'm sure every parent out there understands just how hard it is to ignore a child's tantrum, whether the reason is because they are not getting there way, because they want to do everything themselves etc. all tantrums are hard to deal with.. My little one however seems to only like throwing a fit when she doesn't get something or someone wants something that is "hers"... A bit spoiled !!!

Any who the night ended up being a-lot worse, the little one decided she didn't want to go to sleep so we went through a 3 hour period of "go to bed, right now".. "I have to pee, I'm hungry, I'm thirsty, hug me mommy, cuddle me mommy"... Well she finally passed out Woop

Kind of a bad post today, lost interest I guess or didn't have much motivation?? who knows..

Today's the day!!

So again the day is almost over, and I still haven't got anything down for today.. I was thinking for awhile, about what to write when it clicked. Why not make a list of things I've done and hope to do in my life.. Maybe before I turn 45?? 




**Dont forget to scroll down to read my other posts** and comment.. :) 

Anyways, before we start my long list of things I've done and things to do I thought I would make a positive note and say I just had dinner with my daughter and family.. Yummy!!! haha, but we cheated since we went to Applebee's.. But they do have nummy, yummy STEAK.. :) 


So any who, back to the reason of this post-- Just thought this would be a neat idea... So enjoy, and feel free to comment/ask questions..

REd= done White = Need To do

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink

02. Swam with dolphins

03. Climbed a mountain

04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive 

05. Been inside the a sewer

06. Held a tarantula

07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone

08. Said “I love you” and meant it

09. Hugged a tree

10. Bungee jumped

11. Visited Paris

12. Watched a lightning storm at sea

13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise

14. Seen the Northern Lights

15. Gone to a huge sports game

16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa

17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables

18. Touched an iceberg

19. Slept under the stars

20. Changed a baby’s diaper

21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon

22. Watched a meteor shower

23. Gotten drunk on champagne

24. Given more than you can afford to charity

25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope (and a pretty big one too!)

26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment

27. Had a food fight 

28. Bet on a winning horse

29. Asked out a stranger

30. Had a snowball fight

31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can

32. Held a lamb

33. Seen a total eclipse

34. Ridden a roller coaster 

35. Hit a home run 

36. Danced like a fool and didn’t care who was looking 

37. Adopted an accent for an entire day

38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment

39. Had two hard drives for your computer 

40. Visited all 50 states 

41. Taken care of someone who was drunk

42. Had amazing friends

43. Danced with a stranger in or (from) a foreign country

44. Watched whales

45. Stolen a sign

46. Backpacked in Europe (want to!)

47. Taken a road-trip

48. Gone rock climbing 

49. Taken a midnight walk on the beach

50. Gone sky diving

51. Visited Ireland

52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love

53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them

54. Visited Japan

55. Milked a cow

56. Alphabetized your CDs/MP3 Files

57. Pretended to be a superhero 

58. Sung karaoke 

59. Lounged around in bed all day 

60. Played touch football

61. Gone scuba diving

62. Kissed in the rain

63. Played in the mud

64. Played in the rain

65. Gone to a drive-in theatre 

66. Visited the Great Wall of China

67. Started a business 

68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken

69. Toured ancient sites

70. Taken a martial arts class

71. Played a video game for more than 6 hours straight

72. Gotten married

73. Been in a movie

74. Crashed a party

75. Gotten divorced 

76. Gone without food for 5 days

77. Made cookies from scratch

78. Won first prize in a costume contest 

79. Ridden a bull (mechanical or real)

80. Gotten a tattoo

81. Rafted the Snake River

82. Been on a television news program 

83. Gotten flowers for no reason

84. Performed on stage

85. Been to Las Vegas

86. Recorded music

87. Eaten shark

88. Kissed on the first date

89. Gone to Thailand

90. Bought a house

91. Been in a combat zone

92. Buried one/both of your parents -- Not something I want to do, but sadly have had to do.. 

93. Been on a cruise ship

94. Spoken more than one language fluently

95. Seen live or Performed in Rocky Horror 

96. Raised children

97. Followed your favourite band/singer on tour

98. Passed out cold

99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country

100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over

101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge

102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking with the windows open

103. Had plastic surgery

104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived

105. Wrote articles for a large publication

106. Lost over 40 pounds

107. Held someone while they were having a flashback

108. Piloted an airplane

109. Touched a stingray

110. Broken someone’s heart 

111. Helped an animal give birth

112. Won money on a TV game show

113. Broken a bone

114. Gone on an African photo safari

115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears

116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol

117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild

118. Ridden a horse

119. Had major surgery

120. Had a snake as a pet

121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon

122. Slept for 30 hours in a 48 hour period

123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. States

124. Visited all 7 continents

125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days

126. Eaten kangaroo meat

127. Eaten sushi

128. Had your picture in the newspaper

129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about

130. Gone back to school

131. Parasailed

132. Touched a cockroach

133. Eaten fried green tomatoes

134. Read The Iliad and The Odyssey

135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read

136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating

137. Skipped all your school reunions

138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language

139. Gave Birth to A baby girl. 

140. Written your own computer language

141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream

142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care

143. Built your own PC from parts

144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you

145. Had a booth at a street fair

146. Dyed your hair

147. Been a DJ

148. Shaved your head

149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone’s life

As I sit here, I realize the day is half over and I still haven't written a post for today. So I decided to sit down and take a few moments to write a little something, so I don't miss a day of my 365 day blog..


Wow, so day 2 already.. Where do I start? 


I have been watching quit a-lot of videos on youtube the past few days and kept coming back to the Jonah Mowry's video.. As I was watching his video again, I started noticing video responses and got interested. As I started clicking on them, I noticed that most of the responses were of others sharing stories of struggles and others offering a piece of mind (and love)..


It really made my heart smile, knowing that so many people were out there commenting words of encouragement but it also made my heart frown when I realized how many video responses were posted of others sharing sad stories.. :(


Is that what this world has come to? 


Probably 80% of the population has been through or are going through the same things as this boy Jonah or worse I am sure.. It makes me sad to know that I have an almost 4 year old who will be starting school soon, knowing that she will also have to go through school years and potentially have to deal with the same things as those in the video responses.


I wasn't one of the "popular" kids in school, but some how I made it through. Honestly, I really have no idea how I made it through a year of school let alone years of it.. It just really makes me sad to even think of all those kids going through what I went through, what Jonah or any of the other video response makers are going through or have gone through.. 

I'm not all to sure, where I was going with this blog posts.. But really, it just seriously makes me sad that there are so many kids out there that feel this way **Photo below** ... 

All I can do, is pray for those who are going through this or have gone through it and hope that they see the light at the end of the tunnel.. Be brave, be strong... Share your story, don't be ashamed.. Your story may be just the one that will help someone else out, it may be the one to help someone else understand THEY ARE NOT ALONE... THEY ARE LOVED.... THEY MEAN SOMETHING... 


The other day I was messing around on Netflix and came across and watched the movie "cyberbully" which basically tells a story about a girl who gets bullied on a social networking site, much like Facebook. 


This didn't start like you think it would, it wasn't because of some argument or because this girl posted something cruel about another person. No one stole someone's prom date, or made a nasty joke about something that was meant to be private. 
It started when this girls brother decided to hack into her account and make a little post about her being a naughty girl and needing to be spanked.. Horrible, I know!!! 


Well that lead to a LOT of rude, disturbing and down right uncalled for comments under the post. By the time this poor girl even saw the post, it was pretty viral around her school already.. So even though she deleted the post, there was more to come that following Monday.. 


Even though later on that day she found out it had been her brother who posted it, it was sadly to late.
This eventually lead to one of her supposed best friends, making a fake account and posing as a guy who was interested in her. Which in turn lead the "guy" to post nasty rumors online about how they had slept together, and she got nude for money etc. 


See how, a little joke can lead to a HUGE issue?? 


It got so bad for this poor girl, that eventually she thought the only way out.... Was suicide.. She posted a video response online, telling everyone that she was basically tired of trying etc. and that she to hated herself.. 


In the end the girl overcame this... Her and her mom eventually went to try to get something done to make cyberbullying a crime... YAY!!! 

Today Starts A New Year..

So, today starts a new year.. 2012... Wow!! Where have the years went? Looking back on the past years gone, I realized how quick time really does fly by.. So I decided that I wanted to try something new, and so I figured I would try a "365 day blog".. My plan is to take a photo each day, of anything - A can, a cup, a car, flower, tree, bug, my daughter, rocks or anything I happen to see while my camera is with me and then write a short blog about anything at all... 
I'm really not much of a writer, or a photographer either but I thought "what the heck".. Why, not try something new for the new year. 

So here it is, my first photo of the year.. My baby girl, giving me a new years kissy.. Wow again, I can not believe how fast time has gone by.. My once 5lb preemie baby, who couldn't gain weight and had trouble eating is now an almost 4 year old who is talking, walking and potty trained... Sigh!! How this makes me sad most times, because of how quickly my little bunny grew up and how quickly she will be growing through the rest of these years.. 
It's been so great, having the pleasure of being able to raise my little bunny. Sure there have been rough times, but so many more great/fantastic times that I would never trade that time for anything.. This little girl, seriously is my pride and joy.. 
I couldn't imagine, bringing in the new year without the mini me, right next to me to enjoy it.. 

Quote of the day .. " Laugh as much as you breathe and love as long as you live" 

Do you have a new years resolution? COMMENT BELOW, I would love to hear them..  

I never really got the idea of even liked the idea of  New Year’s resolutions. It feels Commercial (pushed on everyone) and because it feels that way, for me atleast, they usually don’t stick. 

Will this be the year I organize all my cabinets full of family photos, keep my house consistently tidy, work out, budget money better,  get out more with my daughter, watch less TV, eat better and change in a thousand other tiny ways to make me better? Probably not. 

Will this year be just like last year, where I do a little here and little there and end up not finishing any more then 1/3 of what I set out to do.. Probably!! 

Last year I tried to be a nicer person. I tried to be a stricter mommy. I tried to be a more playful mommy. I tried to be a more mindful. In the end the change happened to everyone around me and I basically stayed the same. I put away some photos into albums, but ended up with thousands of more photos to reorganize.. I stopped saying damn so much but say "holy shit" more frequently. 

The truth is that I am who I am.  I consider myself a fairly self-aware individual and I’m forever striving to be a better version of myself (in my head) while I sit on the couch in my PJs. I will never opt for a wheat-grass protein smoothie over a cup of cocoa or glass of wine. It is not in the cards. 

The real deal resolution that I will make is that I will try to do more good than harm in 2012. I will try to have more fun times than aggravating times with my family. I will try to have more homemade meals than plates full of nugget shaped objects. I will try to make more good, healthful choices than spoonfuls of boxed meals for choices. This is the kind of resolution I can get behind because built right into it is forgiveness and leniency. I know that I’m still me and a spoonful of icecream here and there is just gonna happen. But carrots and apples will happen too and it’s all going to be OK.

Who’s with me? Let’s quit trying to make promises to ourselves that we can’t keep, only to end up feeling let down. The problem isn’t with us, it’s with the promises in the first place. Keep it small. Keep it in perspective. And before you know it, 2013 will arrive and you’ll look around and say, “Wow, that closet might be slightly cleaner than it was last year!” Then you can sit back in your PJs with your spoon of icecream and feel good about yourself. Doesn’t that sound nice?